Wednesday, July 29, 2009

My kid’s got inquiries and they want an honest reply...

This is an ongoing discussion in our household (as with many things)... What we will reveal to our girls about our pasts as they grow and begin to ask questions. Colby and I have 2 distinctive stances on the topic. He says lie and I say truth in small doses.

There is a song I have by Hamell on Trial that speaks to this topic (lyrics are at the end of this post). Whenever the song comes up on my ipod, I skip it as it is quite explicit. Which then prompts Ariana to say "Mom, why do you always skip that song? I wanna hear it." Which, in turn, jump starts my thought process on how I will discuss with her my 'sordid youth' when she starts to question.

As, any good parents, Colb and I discussed very early on what we wanted to reveal to the kids when they asked us about our past. Unfortunately, we have yet to come to common ground on the subject. I have already had to let Ariana in on some things that you don't necessarily want your 8 year old daughter to know since she is getting to the point of being inquisitive, nosy and being able to add 2 plus 2.

She was reading her journal recently (the one that I write for her). It starts with how Colby and I met. We met August 16, 1999. It goes on to describe our first date on September 9, 1999. And then on to her birth August 16, 2000. As she read this, she was doing the math out loud : "So you met in August of 1999 and I was born in August of 2000... and you had to be pregnant for 9 months... and then you weren't married until 2002? So obviously you weren't married when you had me? But you said a husband and wife have babies?"

"Well, the book we read said that, but really a man and woman can have a baby without being married, as long as they love eachother."

"But, if they love eachother when they have babies, why do parents get divorced or move apart?"

"Peoples love changes sometimes and they grow apart."

"Oh. Ok. But you told me that you would be in love for a long time before you had children... but if you only knew daddy a year before I was born AND you were pregnant for 9 months...?"

"Wait, I think I hear the ice cream truck outside..." (See, Lora, I did not steal your method of distraction, I have been employing since my kids were Jake's age.)

Also, recently, Ariana came across my Mexican girls getaway photos of myself and my friends topless (thankfully she is not a little boy as that might have much more traumatic.) "MOM! Your boobies are showing in front of all those people."

"Sweetie, there are other societies and cultures where it is ok for a woman not to wear a top on the beach just like it would be ok for a boy or little baby. That beach in Mexico was one of those places but it is not ok here in our area, we have to keep all our girlie parts covered."

"Oh, cool. I'd like to go to Mexico."

"Well, unfortunately, you can not get a passport to Mexico until you are 30."

See, truth in small doses. What do you reveal to your kids? Are you honest? 100% honest? Will they know about your shoplifting arrest, your bong hits in the basement, your fling with the chick from the Golden Banana??? Or are you going to lie to the bitter end (or at least until they are 'old enough' to know the truth.)

Inquiring Minds
You got a kid?
I got a kid.

Are you going to tell him the things you did?
Tell him the truth about your sordid youth?
If he wants to know, did you do blow?
Did you get high and listen to the stereo?

Pops, when’s the first time you did a drug crime?
I smoked my first jay on my eleventh birthday
And high school exams, how’d you stay up to read?
The kid across the street dealt in excellent speed

Were classes as boring as mine are today?
Most of the time I was tripping so I really can’t say

Now Dad, let’s see how truthful you are,
You ever high behind the wheel of a car?
Man I thought I was flying a 747
When I sold that car I think they scraped it for resin

And Dad, you courted Mom, how’d you make her your own?
We’d drink a lot of vodka and do methadone
So when he asks me about my past, and did I get high?
I’ve been seriously thinking about my reply

I’m going to lie
I'm going to lie
I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
Dad did you ever do drugs?
No way!

Dad did you ever do it with any woman besides mom?
Did you ever see that Fellini movie Satyricon?
I was 13 the first time, so good I couldn’t speak
They should have wrapped me in a Hefty bag
and drained me once a week

And Dad what’s the kinkiest that you ever got?
There was a mother and daughter Upstate that were crazy stupid hot
There was this girl and her dog, but we won’t get into that
There were these three Dominatrixes in a one room flat
Couple times in a church pew, was a heavenly thing
And there was a girl named Ruth in the booth of a Burger King

My wife’s eatin’ a hole through me with her evil eye
My kid’s got inquiries and they want an honest reply

I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
Dad, did you have premarital sex?
No way!

Now come the tough questions that he’s gonna ask
All prosecutors save the hard stuff for last
Dad, did you ever steal from the store when you didn’t have the bucks?
From what I remember, most of the stuff just fell off of trucks

And Dad, did you ever own a gun?
Yeah, but it wasn’t like I had a license for one
And Dad, did you ever steal an automobile for fun?
The owners wouldn’t want them when we got done

And Dad, I heard you bartended in a place that dealt crack!
Just making sure our clientele would come back
He wants the truth, I look him in the eye
I set a good example, I’m that kind of guy

I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
I’m going to lie
Dad, did you ever do anything bad?
Fuck no!


  1. How come I have never seen this mexican picture? I am certainly of age.

  2. I love it! Truth in small doses, yes.

    My father lied to me about his past, my mom told the truth. They dated from the time they were 12, married at 18, divorced at 29. They shared the same past yet have two different versions. I don't respect my father's ways of teaching me things.

    I'll tell Jake about sex and drugs and rock and roll. In due time. Earlier than I was told. I'll tell him that sex is bigger than he thinks, than his friends think. I'll teach him drugs are more dangerous than they seem to be, that you never know what you are buying.

    But I'll be honest about my past. I'll tell him what I've learned.

    So I say now...

  3. selective honesty...its the only way to go.....

  4. I was 30 years old and found a joint in my parents bathroom hidden in the band-aid box. My mother STILL lied about it!

    I think showing your children that you are not infallible will help you connect for years to come.

    Who are you kidding anyway? You got an illegal tattoo! Just wait until they are a little older to fess up.

  5. Fabulous topic. I have a tween daughter and this is an even more growing topic in our home.

    If she knows that I did these things and I turned out find... then the message (in my opinion) is that there is "no harm" in these activities... after all "mom is fine and successful and so on."

    However, I don't really want to lie (so much) either.

    Sorry - I don't have a good answer for this one.